For my brothers (2015)

For my brothers,

I keep trying to think about what to say to you all. What I can say to you all. There are things that I can tell you, but I cannot teach you. I have to let you learn that, on your own. And you will learn it, not in the same way I did, but you will learn it, and understand it in a way that I have not. And that’s okay.

I want to tell you that it’s okay to be different. It’s also okay to be the same. At the end of the day, we are still family, and you’re still stuck with me. And I’m still stuck with you.

I also want to tell you that I didn’t choose to be your sister. But that I’m glad that the things I didn’t choose, chose me instead.

I want to tell you to be thankful for mom and dad. I know you don’t see it, the things they do for us. But I don’t want you to be like me, looking back in time and thinking ‘Wow, I was a selfish kid.’ Mom does so much for all of us; little things that you learn to appreciate when you no longer have it. Like her cooking. Her cleaning too. Her laugher, and her smile. I want you to appreciate it because you need to know that mom and dad are not growing any younger, it’s quite the opposite. And we don’t realize this, we don’t realize how much our parents grow until we are the ones coming back to take care of them. I don’t want you to take everything that they do for granted. I don’t want you to regret the things you never said to them, or never did for them. Don’t forget that I raised you, so mom and dad could make money. I don’t want you to forget how hard they work for you; remember the days that mom and dad come home and say they are tired. Remember the days that mom and dad didn’t come home until even after you were asleep. Remember that they are the reason that we all have a bed to sleep in, and food in our stomach.

I do not want you to forget that they are still trying to pass their tradition onto us. I do not want you to forget that we have more than just our silent obedience to offer to society. We have a voice. And we have a choice.

Speaking of which, I want to tell you that I am not always right, although, 99.98% of the time, I am. I’ve made a lot of mistakes to get where I am today. I’ve picked a lot of fights, but I’ve also backed out on some battles. And I want you to make your own mistakes to get yourself somewhere good, a place in your heart and your mind where you feel like you can make a difference. Where you can be who you want to be. I want to tell you that you will stay up at night wondering whether or not you should kill yourself because of something you did, or said; or simply because you do not know who you are yet.

Don’t do it. It’s a trap. You are meant to create yourself, but not without the bottom. Sometimes it takes falling to the bottom to realize how much has been built up for us. You have an option; forget or create. Forget who you were, or create someone built from both worlds. Hmong. But also American. Do not forget where we come from. Do not forget who you really are.

I want to tell you that one day you will be standing up here. Not on this exact stage, but that you will be standing in this mindset of mine. One day you will be angry at the world, and another day you will be ashamed of who you are, the next, you’ll want to scream because there are so many white people around you and you’re already suffocated by so much white supremacy that if you see another white person you swear you’ll punch them in the face. But you don’t. Because that person just passed you. And you can’t. Because there are more white people that you see, but all of them are walking together and you’re alone……..and also because violence is not the answer that we seek here. This is a phase that we go through. A hurtful, self-doubting, re-creating path to self-discovery that frustrates you. But at the end, you will look at yourself and be proud of who you are. Whoever you are. Whoever you become.

I want to tell you that you have changed me for the better, and that my world would be so different without you. Each and every one of you fits into my life in a way that cannot be replaced; though I know we can all admit that sometimes, we’d rather be talking to a wall than to each other. We say less than we want to; but that’s just how we are. You have forced me to grow up in ways that would not be possible if I was second born, or not the only girl. I am stronger, I worry less about stupid shit that doesn’t matter. Having a pretty face doesn’t necessarily make you respect me more, it’s the voice that does it. I found my authoritative voice through you. I love the person I have become because of you.

Needless to say, I have not lived my life perfectly. I wish I did; but without it, I would not be here. Standing here. Proud of who I am and what I stand for. And I want to tell you, to forgive yourself, for the mistakes that you have made. For the mistakes that you will make. We create ourselves in the ways that we move on from mistakes. Have them make you better; not bitter.

I have so many things that I want to tell you sometimes about the world outside that you have yet to understand, but I can never get myself to tell you, because I’m hoping to change it before you have to figure it out on your own. I was hoping that you would never have to face it. Because I want a better place for you out there in the world. I want you to have a place in the world.

It is a dangerous place out there, it is sad, it hurts, and it destroys you. And you don’t realize the destruction until you’re standing in its wake. But it’s also beautiful, if you look just beyond the surface, beyond the mirror, and start telling yourself that you are worth more than what others think and see of you. You are worth more than histories.

I don’t care about what anyone else says. You are worth more than me.

And I want to tell you that you are the reason that keeps me fighting. You are the reason that I do this. You are the reason that I do ALL of this. You are my purpose. If there’s anything in the world that keeps me grounded, keeps me sane, and keeps me fighting, it’s you. Because the hardest thing to imagine, is a world where we do not exist for each other. I need you, just as much as you need me. And someday, I hope you understand.

That there is pain in this world that will not be reversed.

That there is hurt that people will inflict, and that you will inflict onto others.

That one day you will have to bury a friend, or someone more than that.

That one day, you will run from your problems before you turn around to run right back at them again.

That the world will hurt you. No matter how much I try to protect you from it. The world will try to break you. That our world is not perfect.

But that you guys, you make every second worth it.