Half love

I wonder if in my next life, I will ever be someone’s first choice. Or if I will simply be always out of reach. Too out of reach to be worth the effort.

I am waiting. I don’t know what I’m waiting for anymore. I thought it was us. I thought it was you. I thought it was the possibility of forever. But I’m not sure if that’s what you want anymore. I’m not sure if I’m worth that to you anymore. I’m not sure if I’m who you want anymore. I’m not sure if it’s too much of a risk for you to make the effort anymore. I just want you to tell me when you realized that this wasn’t viable. I just want you to tell me that it was recently, instead of a decision you had made long ago.

I wonder how many times I will have to say “I will never let myself trust someone again. I will never let someone have this power over me” and actually mean it. I wonder if I am perpetually stuck in a state of wonder. I wonder if I am destined to be in this middle place. Always wanted, but never pursued.

I guess, this is a long way of asking:

Am I too much?

Am I not enough?

Am I truly unlovable?

Is love truly not enough?

When did you fall out of love?

How do I grieve you, if I never really had you in the first place?